It was November 2012, Mike and I had been married for 6 short months and for some reason we were desperate to start a family. Regardless of the fact that I was only 2 months into starting my uni course and only moving house 9 months ago! We were young, in love and….. well lets face it, stupid! Looking back we were so naïve, but we thought we knew what lay ahead of us.
It was while we were at a family wedding, which by the way if you are at any chance of getting broody don’t go to any celebration where little humans have to be dressed as dolls because you WILL want babies. You will see them dancing, holding hands and playing so nicely together that your ovaries will immediately scream at you and release a ripe egg ready for its fertilisation. Right there and then, we decided to pull the goalie and take a swing at procreating. Not quite literally start in that moment, but the decision was made. We might as well have signed a declaration of procreation because from that second, the game was well and truly on.
In our naivety we thought that trying for a baby would take a while, maybe 6 months or so especially after seeing close friends try for years and have no such luck. But not us. No, I didn’t even get the privilege of 2 cycles before those words 1-2 weeks pregnant popped up on those life changing piss sticks advertising as clear blue.
I felt overwhelmingly happy, for all of about 2 minutes. Then mild panic set in. Everything that we probably should have thought about before trying for a baby all of a sudden became very clear and my brain started to overload on ‘what if’s’. I didn’t tell my other half this, of course not.
The thing is, you don’t think about all the crap stuff until you feel like you have to. And wow do you worry.
What if I cant afford everything they need?
What if I cant afford everything I need?
What if I poo when I give birth?
What if it changes our relationship for the worse?
What if I get huge?
What if I miscarry?
What have we done?
Ultimately, we had made the decision together. We had talked through why we wanted to start a family and we were happy. We had the luxury of planning and falling pregnant quickly, but that didn’t mean I was 100% happy. I still had worries and I felt from that second that we found out that I had changed. The responsibility became real, REAL quick and that was anxiety provoking. And that was okay, that is okay.
Whether you have planned or not, tried for a month or 5 years it is surely normal to feel those pangs of anxiety and what if moments? Because if we didn’t, would we be going into parenthood blind?
Maybe, or maybe not?
No one tells you how you will feel, and no one can tell you if that is the right or wrong way to feel. So, if you feel happy and sad all at the same time then that is okay. Then if the what if’s creep in, then that’s okay too.
Ultimately, there isn’t a perfect time to have kids. If you wait for the perfect time, then be prepared to never try.